


Untitled

by Hopeless_Hogwartian394



Category: Original Work
Genre: Feelings, Gen, Loneliness, ME - Freeform, Playing with words, and buried, and my desperation and fears and feelings and cares, because it is me, fears, hopefully, i guess, i had to get this out, i just wanted to get it out there, im sorry, playing with formatting as a medium for communicating meaning, poem, posting this is as close to screaming into the abyss as im gonna get, this is incredibly personal, this might be the best thing ive written, this will get lost, word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 10:16:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8368513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hopeless_Hogwartian394/pseuds/Hopeless_Hogwartian394
Summary: pouring words onto a page because they won’t get out otherwisecan’t speakboringunoriginaluncreativealwaysalwaysalways scaredgratefulaverageme





	

i think i've stopped caring

i think I stopped caring a long time ago

i can’t remember when i stopped

i can’t remember the last time i really cared

 

not about living

which still matters

a little

but

caring about marks and grades and school and getting a job and 

growing to to be thirty forty fifty sixty seventy and 

and and and and

_it_

_all_

_seems_

_so_

_pointless_

so  _irrelevant_  


so

_terrifying_

i don’t know where I’m going

i don’t know where i want to be

I’m just going through the motions

doing what everyone expects of me

playing it safe

hiding from the _real_ world

putting it off and putting it off and putting it off

 

failure is holding me back and pushing me forwards

and

icanticanticant

I

CAN'T

there are too many people 

pushing at me

hoping for me

expecting me

to be the person i can never quite be

instead of

a lonely little girl who never quite grew up _right_  


a lucky girl in the lucky country

 

loved

lovedlovedloved

happy

lucky

alone

 

a girl who never quite learnt how to play the game they call life

everyone else seems to get it

to know it

to understand it

and i

just

dont

 

quiet they call her

intelligent

thoughtful

on every school report 

to all the adults

to everyone

until

that

is 

who

she

has

to

be

 

instead

thoughts imagination bursting in her head

chasing around in twisting ways

until

she is living more in her head 

than

outside of it

 

she is lonely

 

never quite getting it to work for her

they never called her friendly

even though she wants to be

but cant

because 

she doesn’t know how

can’t fit in

cant make not fitting in work

for her

nothing is quite right

like a pair of shoes

too big

never noticing that they don’t fit right 

until

its too late

 

this isn’t a cry for help

nobody ever notices those

 

it is screaming into the abyss

because who else can you talk to

maybe there are people who

might

understand

but 

im scared

always scaredterrifiedfearful

can’t get the words out

trapped behind the facade built by the world and myself

don’t have the words don’t have the trust

don’t want to burden others with my

trivial

problems

try to reach out never quite reaching far enough

can’t even do that right

don’t know how

 

scared of falling scared of failure scared of success scared of the unknown

scared

only crying when none but the omnipotent can hear

because

noone

can

know

about the cracks

the fissures

its all me its all me _its all my fault_  


_i CANT DO IT_

_I CANT DO ANYTHING ENOUGH_

_AVERAGEAVERAGEAVERAGE_

nothing special

 

the world

is

deluding itself about who i am

can’t let them know they’re wrong

 

big sister eldest daughter second grandchild

trailblazer for the ones coming behind 

laughter snark sarcasm brains 

 

but

not

quite

 

gotta pretend gotta lie gotta fake it 

make believe that i might not fall apart at the seams if the wind blows the wrong way

lonelylonelylonely

i 

HATE

this

 

i am

a web of lies bound together by fear and love

genuine

and

not

quite 

real

 

pouring words onto a page because they won’t get out otherwise

can’t speak

boring

unoriginal

uncreative

alwaysalwaysalways scared

grateful

average

me

 

i am

me

and

me

is

not quite right

can’t fit in

doesn’t know how

bottles everything up

swiping away tears

laughing with people

feeling alone in a crowd that can’t quite be escaped

hovering on the fringes of everything

i

have friends

but

i cannot be the friend they need

or deserve

bottle up the hurts don’t tell anyone about the bad things

how much they hurt

the mockery

the ignoring

the

can you not sit with us

we

dont

like

you

you

are

not

like

us

you

are

wrongwrongwrongnotquiteright

not good enough

not right enough

not enough of a person

 

don’t let it show

 

don’t let them get to you

 

hide

 

failure

 

you are

a

failure

 

its there

in my usernames

hopeless

unsolicited

shit

 

i’m just

imjustimjustimjust

average 


End file.
